So I haven't posted to this blog in forever. I suck. But right now I need to whine about diet-y stuff, so it seems as good a time as any to jump back on the wagon.
I've been binge-eating like it's my job for the last few days. I've always hesitated to use the word "binge," because it implies a lack of control that I usually don't experience. It's not that I can't stop eating, it's just that I don't want to. But this time? It's binging. I'm eating and eating and eating and I'm not hungry at all, ever, but I just keep eating even though I feel sick and don't want anymore food.
I'm not really sure where it's coming from. I'm not on a specific diet right now. I'm trying to eat sensibly, but I'm not counting points or calories or anything else that would drive me to reckless rebellion eating. I'm not anymore stressed than usual. I'm just.. stuffing my face with wild abandon, even though I'd really rather not.
Unpleasant.
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
Thursday, November 8, 2007
checking in
I haven't posted in over two months. See how much stick-to-it-iveness I have? (I don't think that's a real word, but I've heard it used! So there.) Well, things haven't been going fantastically, as you can imagine. I got on and then fell off the WW wagon within the space of about two weeks, I ate a lot, and I didn't exercise. Is it any wonder I weighed in at 170 this morning? That's pretty high for me these days. I usually hover around the mid-to-low 160s.
So with that in mind, and because I know that this behavior has to stop, I'd like to start posting here again. Not that anyone reads it, but that's not the point. It's for me. A place to ramble on about my fatness.
I've been walking a lot lately. It's the best alternative to stress/emotional/boredom eating that I've found. I love walking. It makes me feel better, and as opposed to, say stuffing a pan of brownies in my mouth, it doesn't leave me with that heavy food feeling afterward. This is a good thing. I want to continue this trend.
I can't go back to WW. I can't count things. It drives me nuts, and it breeds an all-or-nothing mindset that's just unhealthy, and that dooms me to failure from the very start. So I'm just going to try to listen to my body and make good choices. I'm not stupid. I know how to do this. I just have to stop sabotaging myself and actually DO it.
So with that in mind, and because I know that this behavior has to stop, I'd like to start posting here again. Not that anyone reads it, but that's not the point. It's for me. A place to ramble on about my fatness.
I've been walking a lot lately. It's the best alternative to stress/emotional/boredom eating that I've found. I love walking. It makes me feel better, and as opposed to, say stuffing a pan of brownies in my mouth, it doesn't leave me with that heavy food feeling afterward. This is a good thing. I want to continue this trend.
I can't go back to WW. I can't count things. It drives me nuts, and it breeds an all-or-nothing mindset that's just unhealthy, and that dooms me to failure from the very start. So I'm just going to try to listen to my body and make good choices. I'm not stupid. I know how to do this. I just have to stop sabotaging myself and actually DO it.
Friday, September 7, 2007
couch to 5k: week 1, day 2
Well, I was right. I did feel better after the run. Much better. It was about as difficult as it was on Wednesday, except it was a little hotter today and therefore less pleasant all around. I hate heat. I can't wait until fall kicks in.
Breakfast: Oatmeal with raisins, brown sugar, and soymilk.
Lunch: Brown rice and black beans with pineapple salsa from the burrito place across the street from school. This was a HUGE bowl, and I almost finished it... but not quite.
Snack: A small square of dark chocolate and a Luna bar. I didn't need the Luna bar, I just wanted it... and now I feel kind of sick. Ugh. Also, throughout the afternoon I had a few more pretzels and a little peanut butter.
Dinner: Regular (non-whole wheat) spaghetti with broccoli, peas, and peanut sauce.
Snack: Another square of dark chocolate, some lemon italian ice, a rice cake, and a mini wheat pita pizza.
Too much snacking today. I wasn't hungry for most of it, I was just... eating. Which is something I've been good about not doing so far. I feel gross today because of it, so hopefully I can avoid making it a habit.
Breakfast: Oatmeal with raisins, brown sugar, and soymilk.
Lunch: Brown rice and black beans with pineapple salsa from the burrito place across the street from school. This was a HUGE bowl, and I almost finished it... but not quite.
Snack: A small square of dark chocolate and a Luna bar. I didn't need the Luna bar, I just wanted it... and now I feel kind of sick. Ugh. Also, throughout the afternoon I had a few more pretzels and a little peanut butter.
Dinner: Regular (non-whole wheat) spaghetti with broccoli, peas, and peanut sauce.
Snack: Another square of dark chocolate, some lemon italian ice, a rice cake, and a mini wheat pita pizza.
Too much snacking today. I wasn't hungry for most of it, I was just... eating. Which is something I've been good about not doing so far. I feel gross today because of it, so hopefully I can avoid making it a habit.
the scale is a jerk
I've been weighing myself most mornings for the last week or so. There hasn't been a consistent downward trend, I'm sad to say. I started off around 168, then down to 166, then 165, then 166 again, then 167. I know that weight fluctuates, of course, but I must say it's discouraging to get on the scale and see a higher number than you did yesterday. Especially since I've been doing very well with eating lately, and I've been fairly active.
But that's not really the point. I could've been mainlining chocolate and the number on the scale would be just as depressing. I hate that one number on one stupid little screen can effect my mood so drastically. I hate that I can be feeling pretty good about myself until I step on the scale, at which point I put my sense of self-worth in the hands of three little red numbers. What the hell is that? If I look in the mirror and feel okay, what difference should it make if the scale says I weigh 167 or or 207? Or 137 for that matter? It shouldn't make a difference, of course. But it does, no matter how many times I tell myself that I won't let the number effect me.
Regardless of what the scale says, I know I didn't gain two pounds in the last 24 hours. Maybe I didn't drink enough water yesterday. Maybe I drank too much. Maybe I had too much salt. Maybe it's because I didn't eat dinner until almost 10 at night and then went to bed at 12. Maybe it's a thousand different insignificant things that should hold absolutely no sway over how I feel about myself.
So in an effort to combat the effect that they absolutely shouldn't have (but do), I'm going to strap on my running shoes and do the second day of couch to 5k. I know I'll feel better afterward.
But that's not really the point. I could've been mainlining chocolate and the number on the scale would be just as depressing. I hate that one number on one stupid little screen can effect my mood so drastically. I hate that I can be feeling pretty good about myself until I step on the scale, at which point I put my sense of self-worth in the hands of three little red numbers. What the hell is that? If I look in the mirror and feel okay, what difference should it make if the scale says I weigh 167 or or 207? Or 137 for that matter? It shouldn't make a difference, of course. But it does, no matter how many times I tell myself that I won't let the number effect me.
Regardless of what the scale says, I know I didn't gain two pounds in the last 24 hours. Maybe I didn't drink enough water yesterday. Maybe I drank too much. Maybe I had too much salt. Maybe it's because I didn't eat dinner until almost 10 at night and then went to bed at 12. Maybe it's a thousand different insignificant things that should hold absolutely no sway over how I feel about myself.
So in an effort to combat the effect that they absolutely shouldn't have (but do), I'm going to strap on my running shoes and do the second day of couch to 5k. I know I'll feel better afterward.
Thursday, September 6, 2007
thursday's food, etc
Breakfast: Oatmeal with raisins, brown sugar, and soymilk.
Snack: A cup of coffee with sugar and soymilk.
Lunch: A luna bar and a small order of fries from the pizza place everyone wanted to eat at. Not the best lunch ever, I'll admit, but I got stuck somewhere with pretty much no vegan options.
Snack: Some strawberry mentos. I found a sleeve of them while I was packing up my sewing machine! And then a bit later I had a few pretzels.
Dinner: Whole-wheat rotini, broccoli, and peas with peanut sauce.
Snack: A few more pretzels.
I'm in the process of moving into a new apartment, and today featured several hours worth of packing and cleaning and moving boxes. I'm so exhausted. Ugh.
Snack: A cup of coffee with sugar and soymilk.
Lunch: A luna bar and a small order of fries from the pizza place everyone wanted to eat at. Not the best lunch ever, I'll admit, but I got stuck somewhere with pretty much no vegan options.
Snack: Some strawberry mentos. I found a sleeve of them while I was packing up my sewing machine! And then a bit later I had a few pretzels.
Dinner: Whole-wheat rotini, broccoli, and peas with peanut sauce.
Snack: A few more pretzels.
I'm in the process of moving into a new apartment, and today featured several hours worth of packing and cleaning and moving boxes. I'm so exhausted. Ugh.
Wednesday, September 5, 2007
wednesday's food, etc
Breakfast: Oatmeal with raisins, brown sugar, and soymilk.
Snack: Chocolate brownie Z-bar.
Lunch: Peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
Snack: A few grapes and a rice cake.
Dinner: Sauteed polenta with tomato sauce, and roasted potatoes, peppers, and carrots.
Snack: A cup of Green & Black's Maya Gold hot cocoa made with soymilk.
It's been a really active day. I did the first cough to 5k run this morning, and then spent the day walking all over the city running errands. I just charted my course, approximately, on the Google Maps pedometer and it was just over 4 miles. So I guess the fact that I was hungrier than usual is understandable. I did a bit more snacking today; I was just hungry enough to grab thatZ-bar while I was at the grocery store. I've never had one before, and while it wasn't a bad snack, I didn't like it enough to seek it out in the future.
I grabbed a bunch of luna bars as well, because sometimes I don't feel like packing a lunch to take to school and I can't afford to blow $5 on chili or whatever every day. A luna bar, while not super substantial on its own, is filling enough when coupled with some fruit. Of course I don't have any fruit to take with me right now, but soon!
It's 9 pm now and I'm completely wiped. I haven't been this tired this early in a long time. But I feel good. Healthy. It's nice.
Snack: Chocolate brownie Z-bar.
Lunch: Peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
Snack: A few grapes and a rice cake.
Dinner: Sauteed polenta with tomato sauce, and roasted potatoes, peppers, and carrots.
Snack: A cup of Green & Black's Maya Gold hot cocoa made with soymilk.
It's been a really active day. I did the first cough to 5k run this morning, and then spent the day walking all over the city running errands. I just charted my course, approximately, on the Google Maps pedometer and it was just over 4 miles. So I guess the fact that I was hungrier than usual is understandable. I did a bit more snacking today; I was just hungry enough to grab thatZ-bar while I was at the grocery store. I've never had one before, and while it wasn't a bad snack, I didn't like it enough to seek it out in the future.
I grabbed a bunch of luna bars as well, because sometimes I don't feel like packing a lunch to take to school and I can't afford to blow $5 on chili or whatever every day. A luna bar, while not super substantial on its own, is filling enough when coupled with some fruit. Of course I don't have any fruit to take with me right now, but soon!
It's 9 pm now and I'm completely wiped. I haven't been this tired this early in a long time. But I feel good. Healthy. It's nice.
couch to 5k: week 1, day 1
Okay. So I've done the couch to 5k program successfully before. I've never kept it going much past the finish, but I definitely completed it. So I thought starting it up again wouldn't be too bad. I mean, despite the chub I'm in pretty decent shape, and I walk a lot. But the first day? Was a lot harder than I expected. The first few one-minute intervals weren't bad, but then I started to get hotter and there were hills and I didn't have any water, and oooooh god I forgot how very much more out of breath running makes me than any other exercise.
But I also forgot how awesome I feel afterward. And I finished, so go me! Instead of driving to the track I just ran around the city, which was a little harder on the legs but much more interesting. The only problem I have is that my iPod is a reglar 30g variety, so I have to hold it in my hand while I run. I think I might pick up a super cheap little mp3 player with an arm bad or a belt clip to use specifically for exercise.
And now, a shower is in order.
But I also forgot how awesome I feel afterward. And I finished, so go me! Instead of driving to the track I just ran around the city, which was a little harder on the legs but much more interesting. The only problem I have is that my iPod is a reglar 30g variety, so I have to hold it in my hand while I run. I think I might pick up a super cheap little mp3 player with an arm bad or a belt clip to use specifically for exercise.
And now, a shower is in order.
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