Go, Fatty, Go!

long time, no post

2008-02-12T21:00:00.000-05:00

So I haven't posted to this blog in forever. I suck. But right now I need to whine about diet-y stuff, so it seems as good a time as any to jump back on the wagon.

I've been binge-eating like it's my job for the last few days. I've always hesitated to use the word "binge," because it implies a lack of control that I usually don't experience. It's not that I can't stop eating, it's just that I don't want to. But this time? It's binging. I'm eating and eating and eating and I'm not hungry at all, ever, but I just keep eating even though I feel sick and don't want anymore food.

I'm not really sure where it's coming from. I'm not on a specific diet right now. I'm trying to eat sensibly, but I'm not counting points or calories or anything else that would drive me to reckless rebellion eating. I'm not anymore stressed than usual. I'm just.. stuffing my face with wild abandon, even though I'd really rather not.

Unpleasant.

checking in

2007-11-08T00:35:00.000-05:00

I haven't posted in over two months. See how much stick-to-it-iveness I have? (I don't think that's a real word, but I've heard it used! So there.) Well, things haven't been going fantastically, as you can imagine. I got on and then fell off the WW wagon within the space of about two weeks, I ate a lot, and I didn't exercise. Is it any wonder I weighed in at 170 this morning? That's pretty high for me these days. I usually hover around the mid-to-low 160s.

So with that in mind, and because I know that this behavior has to stop, I'd like to start posting here again. Not that anyone reads it, but that's not the point. It's for me. A place to ramble on about my fatness.

I've been walking a lot lately. It's the best alternative to stress/emotional/boredom eating that I've found. I love walking. It makes me feel better, and as opposed to, say stuffing a pan of brownies in my mouth, it doesn't leave me with that heavy food feeling afterward. This is a good thing. I want to continue this trend.

I can't go back to WW. I can't count things. It drives me nuts, and it breeds an all-or-nothing mindset that's just unhealthy, and that dooms me to failure from the very start. So I'm just going to try to listen to my body and make good choices. I'm not stupid. I know how to do this. I just have to stop sabotaging myself and actually DO it.

couch to 5k: week 1, day 2

2007-09-07T13:37:00.000-04:00

Well, I was right. I did feel better after the run. Much better. It was about as difficult as it was on Wednesday, except it was a little hotter today and therefore less pleasant all around. I hate heat. I can't wait until fall kicks in.

Breakfast: Oatmeal with raisins, brown sugar, and soymilk.
Lunch: Brown rice and black beans with pineapple salsa from the burrito place across the street from school. This was a HUGE bowl, and I almost finished it... but not quite.
Snack: A small square of dark chocolate and a Luna bar. I didn't need the Luna bar, I just wanted it... and now I feel kind of sick. Ugh. Also, throughout the afternoon I had a few more pretzels and a little peanut butter.
Dinner: Regular (non-whole wheat) spaghetti with broccoli, peas, and peanut sauce.
Snack: Another square of dark chocolate, some lemon italian ice, a rice cake, and a mini wheat pita pizza.

Too much snacking today. I wasn't hungry for most of it, I was just... eating. Which is something I've been good about not doing so far. I feel gross today because of it, so hopefully I can avoid making it a habit.

the scale is a jerk

2007-09-07T08:01:00.000-04:00

I've been weighing myself most mornings for the last week or so. There hasn't been a consistent downward trend, I'm sad to say. I started off around 168, then down to 166, then 165, then 166 again, then 167. I know that weight fluctuates, of course, but I must say it's discouraging to get on the scale and see a higher number than you did yesterday. Especially since I've been doing very well with eating lately, and I've been fairly active.

But that's not really the point. I could've been mainlining chocolate and the number on the scale would be just as depressing. I hate that one number on one stupid little screen can effect my mood so drastically. I hate that I can be feeling pretty good about myself until I step on the scale, at which point I put my sense of self-worth in the hands of three little red numbers. What the hell is that? If I look in the mirror and feel okay, what difference should it make if the scale says I weigh 167 or or 207? Or 137 for that matter? It shouldn't make a difference, of course. But it does, no matter how many times I tell myself that I won't let the number effect me.

Regardless of what the scale says, I know I didn't gain two pounds in the last 24 hours. Maybe I didn't drink enough water yesterday. Maybe I drank too much. Maybe I had too much salt. Maybe it's because I didn't eat dinner until almost 10 at night and then went to bed at 12. Maybe it's a thousand different insignificant things that should hold absolutely no sway over how I feel about myself.

So in an effort to combat the effect that they absolutely shouldn't have (but do), I'm going to strap on my running shoes and do the second day of couch to 5k. I know I'll feel better afterward.

thursday's food, etc

2007-09-06T14:28:00.000-04:00

Breakfast: Oatmeal with raisins, brown sugar, and soymilk.
Snack: A cup of coffee with sugar and soymilk.
Lunch: A luna bar and a small order of fries from the pizza place everyone wanted to eat at. Not the best lunch ever, I'll admit, but I got stuck somewhere with pretty much no vegan options.
Snack: Some strawberry mentos. I found a sleeve of them while I was packing up my sewing machine! And then a bit later I had a few pretzels.
Dinner: Whole-wheat rotini, broccoli, and peas with peanut sauce.
Snack: A few more pretzels.

I'm in the process of moving into a new apartment, and today featured several hours worth of packing and cleaning and moving boxes. I'm so exhausted. Ugh.

wednesday's food, etc

2007-09-05T21:02:00.000-04:00

Breakfast: Oatmeal with raisins, brown sugar, and soymilk.
Snack: Chocolate brownie Z-bar.
Lunch: Peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
Snack: A few grapes and a rice cake.
Dinner: Sauteed polenta with tomato sauce, and roasted potatoes, peppers, and carrots.
Snack: A cup of Green & Black's Maya Gold hot cocoa made with soymilk.

It's been a really active day. I did the first cough to 5k run this morning, and then spent the day walking all over the city running errands. I just charted my course, approximately, on the Google Maps pedometer and it was just over 4 miles. So I guess the fact that I was hungrier than usual is understandable. I did a bit more snacking today; I was just hungry enough to grab thatZ-bar while I was at the grocery store. I've never had one before, and while it wasn't a bad snack, I didn't like it enough to seek it out in the future.

I grabbed a bunch of luna bars as well, because sometimes I don't feel like packing a lunch to take to school and I can't afford to blow $5 on chili or whatever every day. A luna bar, while not super substantial on its own, is filling enough when coupled with some fruit. Of course I don't have any fruit to take with me right now, but soon!

It's 9 pm now and I'm completely wiped. I haven't been this tired this early in a long time. But I feel good. Healthy. It's nice.

couch to 5k: week 1, day 1

2007-09-05T08:54:00.001-04:00

Okay. So I've done the couch to 5k program successfully before. I've never kept it going much past the finish, but I definitely completed it. So I thought starting it up again wouldn't be too bad. I mean, despite the chub I'm in pretty decent shape, and I walk a lot. But the first day? Was a lot harder than I expected. The first few one-minute intervals weren't bad, but then I started to get hotter and there were hills and I didn't have any water, and oooooh god I forgot how very much more out of breath running makes me than any other exercise.

But I also forgot how awesome I feel afterward. And I finished, so go me! Instead of driving to the track I just ran around the city, which was a little harder on the legs but much more interesting. The only problem I have is that my iPod is a reglar 30g variety, so I have to hold it in my hand while I run. I think I might pick up a super cheap little mp3 player with an arm bad or a belt clip to use specifically for exercise.

And now, a shower is in order.

tea should not taste like plastic

2007-09-04T22:49:00.000-04:00

Today was good. I woke up bright and early (before my alarm, even! That never happens.) at 6:30, ate well, got in a brisk 30-minute walk during lunch, and got a lot done overall.

I'm pretty beat, so I'm just going to log my food and then call it a day.

Breakfast: 2 cups of coffee with sugar and vanilla soymilk, a bowl of oatmeal with soymilk, raisins, and brown sugar.
Lunch: A cup of vegetarian chili and a few tortilla chips.
Dinner: A cup of garden vegetable soup and whole-grain bread at Panera.
Snack: A rice cake with peanut butter and about half a cup of gross tea that I couldn't finish.

I had planned to have a more substantial snack, since the soup and bread wasn't terribly filling, but when it came time to decide what to have, I realized that I just wasn't that hungry. I made some blueberry tea sweetened with agave nectar, which sounds delicious in theory, but for some reason it always tastes like plastic. I just need to throw those teabags away.

a points-slave no more?

2007-09-03T21:57:00.000-04:00

I've been pretty happy with my eating lately, and I haven't counted a damn thing. I'm getting better at eating when I'm hungry instead of just mindlessly shoving food into my face, and as a result I've realized that most of the time I don't really require a ton of food to be satisfied. Today, for example, my menu was as follows:

Breakfast: Peanut Butter Mojo bar. (9 am)
Lunch: A mini-pita pizza (a whole-wheat mini pita, a little sauce, and half a slice of soy cheese). (12 pm)
Snack: Two glasses of apple cider with butterscotch schnapps. (3 pm)
Dinner Whole-wheat rotini, broccoli, and peas with peanut sauce. (9 pm)

Minus the cider and schnapps, that's not a bad day. And I'm sorry, but that drink is so ridiculously delicious that I can't even feel bad. It's like drinking a caramel apple. So good.

My only form of exercise has been walking, but I've been doing a lot of it. So that's good too. I'll have to weigh in shortly and see how things are going. I almost hate to, though, because if I don't see progress I'll be discouraged. At least that's usually how things go. But here's hoping this time is different!

the early bird gets shit done

2007-08-31T18:49:00.001-04:00

I woke up bright and early this morning and got my strength training in before I had to head off to school at 9. That was nice. I like getting exercise out of the way early. Which sounds terrible. As if I don't actually enjoy exercising. Which, to be honest, I sometimes don't. Most of the time, even. But in an effort to be more positive, let's say I like to exercise early because then I feel accomplished and virtuous for the rest of the day. And also because then I can do it before I shower and I don't have to spend any portion of my day covered in old sweat.

Anyway. I was supposed to move tomorrow, but due to the US postal service being a big jerk I probably won't get the keys to my new place until Tuesday. Which means that I can't move until next week, possibly even next weekend. Which means I am going to spend a week with everything I own in boxes. Awesome. If I move some things around I should be able to clear enough space to do an exercise dvd in the living room, though. Should I feel so inclined.. But the weather has been absolutely beautiful, so I'll probably just stick to walks and bike rides, and maybe start up the Couch to 5K program.

excuses, excuses

2007-08-30T16:03:00.000-04:00

Well, once again I didn't get in any strenuous cardio today. I only got about 4 hours of fitful sleep because of the construction going on outside my building, so I wasn't feeling up to much. Plus I'm moving in 2 days, so everything I own is in boxes and there's no room to do an exercise dvd, which is kind of unfortunate since I sort of wanted to do some kickboxing or yoga. But whatever. I still walked around a fair amount, which is better than nothing.

I know: stop making excuses. But things have been crazy lately, and my schedule is so out of whack. I'm hoping that once I gete moved into the new place and school starts up again (Tuesday!), I can get into a more set schedule with my exercise. And, well, my everything else.

I don't know if I'm planning to recap my food every day or not, but today I just kind of feel like it.

Breakfast: oatmeal with soymilk, brown sugar, and raisins.
Snack: grapes, a rice cake with peanut butter.
Lunch: polenta with sauteed tomatoes, broccoli, peppers, and tomato sauce.
Snack: a bottle of blueberry oolong iced tea. I wish they made a diet version of this. It's so amazingly delicious, but I only have like two bottles a month because I hate drinking my calories.
Dinner: a small order of fries. I hate getting stuck someplace with no vegan options.

a picture is worth a thousand hours of therapy

2007-08-30T15:30:00.001-04:00

I am feeling pretty terrible about myself today. I saw photographic evidence of my fatness last night, and it drove home a few things for me. The first of which is why I fight tooth and nail to prevent pictures of myself from existing in the first place. Because honestly? I know I'm fat, but for the most part I think I'm kind of cute, at least from the neck up. But I photograph like Jo Jo the Dog-Faced Boy. Photogenicness is not one of my many fine characteristics.

But when I drink I let my guard down, and there they were, a whole bunch of pictures of me being fat. And drunk. Which, let me tell you, is not a good combination. Bad angles, stupid faces, the loss of all ability regulate my fat rolls... ugh. Not a good time. Let's just say I was immediately put into a bit of a funk when I saw them, and I walked away from the night feeling like garbage. Absolutely worthless. Like gum scraped off a tire. Except not as thin, clearly.

It's one thing to know you're fat, but it's another thing entirely to be confronted with it like that. "Hello, fatass! This is your life!" I'm in a picture with two of my best friends, who are both smiling and happy, and I look miserable because there was a camera pointed at me. And when I look at the picture, instead of recalling how fun the evening was and all the reasons I love these people, all I can think about is how terrible I look.

I want to say right now that I in no way think that being fat is bad. I am all about size-acceptance. It doesn't matter what you weigh as long as you're happy, you know? Being thin doesn't equal being happy, or bursting with self-worth. But that's just the thing. I'm not happy. At all. And I bitch about it a lot, but I always end up falling back into the status quo instead of taking any positive steps toward change. Which makes me a big fat hypocrite, since my advice to someone who's complaining is always this: Stop whining. If you're not happy, either do something about it or shut the hell up. If you really want to change, then change.

It's good advice. I should take it.

But for the time being, if you point a camera at me, I will probably punch you. And nothing hits like an angry fat girl. Just saying.

balls to the wall

2007-08-29T17:52:00.001-04:00

I mentioned before that I hate strength training. And I do. But I know I should do it, because muscles are awesome. Today I switched to a different set of exercises that all involve a stablity ball. I love my stability ball. Okay, I wish it was a different color (it's boring and white), but it's the right size (55 cm, I think - I'm only 5' tall so the standard 65cm is too big) and it makes ab exercises much less painful. When I do them on the ground it hurts my back and I tend to strain my neck a lot, but on the ball? No problems. Actually, I'd go so far as to say that every exercise is better with a ball, at least for me. Plus they're super fun to just roll around on.

So stability balls = awesome. If you don't have one, get one.

As far as eating goes, I haven't had much yet today. I went to bed late and woke up even later, despite setting alarms all over the place. So at 6 pm my grand total for the day is a few grapes, a rice cake, and a bowl of black bean soup with a piece of whole-grain bread from Panera. I'll probably have whole-wheat pasta with broccoli and peanut sauce for dinner in a while, and then much later I'm supposed to go out for drinks with some friends. I'm going to show some restraint this time, though. I'm not up for a booze-fueled repeat of As The World Turns.

ugh x a million

2007-08-28T16:01:00.001-04:00

Well, I had planned to start the Couch to 5K program today, but that plan has been called on account of massive hangover. I had no dinner and far too much to drink last night, and as a result I feel really, really bad today. Also, the thought of food makes me physically ill, so I've only had a cup of tea, a rice cake, and a few grapes to eat today. I just feel very weak overall, so I'm not going to try to do anything strenuous. I'm planning to take a nice long walk later, but anything beyond that is just asking for trouble.

Today's lesson: moderation! And don't drink on an empty stomach.

Update: In addition to tea, a rice cake, and grapes, I managed to eat a bowl of oatmeal in the afternoon and then some pasta with broccoli around 9. It's a strange thing, having no appetite. Usually I could eat non-stop. But I'm mostly feeling better, and I went for a half hour walk by myself, and then another hour or so of walking around the city with a friend. So even though the day didn't go quite as I'd planned, I'd say it was successful.

the plan, in a really big nutshell

2007-08-27T19:38:00.000-04:00

Exercise: Three days per week of cardio, two days of strength training. This is the minimum; anything else is just gravy.

Food: Don't eat like a jerk.

This one may require a little more explanation.

I have been on some kind of diet for most of my life. Usually I turn to Weight Watchers, because I know how it works and over the years I've built up an encyclopedic knowledge of points values that is, to be honest, a little terrifying. But I've counted calories, too. I've never done the low-carb thing, because hello? Bread is not called the staff of life for no reason. (Also, being a vegan on Atkins is probably some kind of military-grade torture. There is only so much tofu or seitan a girl can stomach.)

Anyway, the point is that I, like many, many women, have a pretty fucked up relationship with food. I count points until I slip up, and then I stuff every morsel of food in the tri-county area into my face like it's my damn job for about a week as... what, compensation? Punishment? It's ridiculous. So my goal regarding food is simple: eat like a normal person. I'm not stupid. I know what's good for me and what's not. Listen to my body, feed it healthy food when it's hungry, and if I want a cocktail or a chocolate bar on occasion then so be it. A life without junk food is not a life worth living.

So! That's the plan, for now. I did some strength training this morning, although not as much as I probably should have. Because you know what? I kind of hate strength training. It's so repetitive and boring. But it does get results, so I'll suffer through.

blog post the first

2007-08-26T19:01:00.000-04:00

I'm starting this blog for a few reasons. Let's take a look!

Reason the First: I just like to talk about fat. My fat, other people's fat, the fact of being fat in general. It's on my mind a lot. Probably too often, but what can you do?Start a blog, of course! A little corner of the interweb where I can blather on for post after post about being fat and trying not to be so fat anymore.

Reason the Second: I am instant gratification kind of girl. When I decide that I want something, I want it righthehellnow.. This is a problem in many aspects of life, but none moreso than in weight loss. It's a process. A long, slow-moving process. You can't see the weight come off ounce by ounce. You work and you work and it seems like nothing is happening, until one day you look in the mirror and realize that a whole lot has happened. This does not work for me. I get frustrated. I get impatient. I get tired of busting my ass "for no reason." I lose weight slowly, too, which just makes it worse. So this blog will serve as a place to vent, and rant, and bitch, and remind myself of what I'm working toward, and occasionally pat myself on the back.

Reason the Third: I don't really have anyone to talk about this stuff with in real life. I don't have any weight loss buddies. So this blog will sort of fill that need as well. It may not be able to go running with me, but I can come home and be like, "Woo! I went running! Go me!" And I read a lot of weight-related blogs. The community is fabulous. So that's a plus.

Anyway, three is a few, right? I'm planning to start up for real tomorrow, because I'm weird and anal and only like to start things on Mondays. Today I've been watching a marathon of the first season of The Biggest Loser, which I have mixed feelings about, so I'm sure I'll have something to say about that at some point as well.